almost home

so last night kind of felt like the first night in the new apartment. i mean it sucks that rusty hid in his room all night - i think he had a less than optimal experience with the new man, and just doesn't want to socialize. that's just a theory. of course, so is gravity. but it was nice to be surrounded by good friends and america's new top runway designers. seems like kind of an easy job, really. long, flat surface, raise it up about three feet, extend it out into the audience. whatever, it must be nice to make money.

speaking of money. so bill checked his account and he is short for rent. i gave him all my money (which wasn't much), and with his tips on monday, we should be covered. i only have a tiny check coming from the convenience store, and it has to feed me for at least two weeks. that means i need to take a trip to salvation army downtown and pick up some food. my luck it will be beets and wheat flour. so if anyone wants any beetbread in the next few weeks, i've got it on lock.

i hope the birthday celebration goes well. i should be available all day on sunday, but i'd be kind of uncomfortable doing the birthday meal thing (again, completely broke, and you'd have to pick me up on your birthday, which sucks a whole lot). but i'd love to see you if the opportunity arises. perhaps in a moment of escaping from whatever else is going on, you can escape to my place. or i can meet you somewhere - it's really going to depend on how your day is going. you know i love you with all my heart, so if i don't get to see you on the day, it's no worries. i'm here for the long haul.

where is my mind?

I picked a bad day to promise you a blog post. I just spent the last ten minutes staring at the computer screen, trying to think of something interesting to say. I've got nothing though. Once again, I should be doing the shitload of homework that's due tomorrow...but I'm way too burnt out on school right now. Mostly burnt out on teachers that don't teach. What exactly is my tuition paying for if they read straight out of the textbook, or worse yet, expect us to just read the book and teach ourselves, then grade us on problems we've never seen examples of? I'll be so happy if I make even halfway decent grades this semester. Ugggggghhhhh. I'm sorry, like I said, probably shouldn't have started blogging tonight. Perhaps I'll try again tomorrow. For now, I think I'll switch to doing dishes as my anti-school alternative. I love you though, I hope today is a little better than yesterday for you, and I hope tomorrow is a little better than today. Etc.

it really is about time

i, too, thought a lot of video prospects the last few days (it's been kind of long and sordid), and i can't wait to get a camera and get going with that shit. i looked at several stores and just couldn't find a machine that i wanted for the money (or could afford the payments on), so i'll probably just set a few bucks asside and then end up getting something from alan's down the road in a week or two. either way, we'll be up and running soon.

i also decided that just straight reportage and strange pytonesque roleplaying wasn't going to sate either of us, so i bought a few stuffed animals (a bulldog and a koala bear, to be exact) from the goodwill and am currently converting them into hand puppets. oh, yeah, i'm doing that. we'll probably make other strange films as well, but we'll figure all that out in a minute.

no, i haven't seen the movie yet, yes, we need to see the movie, absolutely, it should be first on our list, no, it can't be just with anybody, it's gotta be with you.

i'm so tired. bill's battery died at the big goodwill way down patton, so we had to walk back to haywood and then i had to carry a new battery back to the car. my arms HURT. but that's okay. you know why? 'cause when the music's over, and the light's have gone down, there's always and forever, each moment with you, is just like a dream to me, that somehow came true, and i know tomorrow will still be the same, 'cause we've got a life of love that won't ever change.

al fucking green, baby.

manic depression's a frustrating mess

Okay, so here we go again. Take two. Or whatever take this is. This is why I'm not directing this movie. Speaking of movies, I was driving down that road where we saw all that cool shit we need to film today, and I noticed the biggest MOMS graffiti I've seen so far. We should do a special segment on MOMS and TRIDE, hopefully with interviews with gang members. Maybe I could join a gang. I've also seen a couple of STEPHEN HAWKING tags, but those are less common and I don't know who does them...but I think they're my favorite.

Really didn't mean to focus on local graffiti in this post. Perhaps I'm beating around the bush a bit because I don't feel like dealing with any real emotions or issues right now. At least I'm not drinking to avoid things at the moment. That's progress, right? I think so. I also just remembered we still haven't seen Inglourious Basterds. Or at least I haven't. Is it still out? If it is, that should be at the top of our "getting out and doing shit" list.

I feel like having my new crazy phone will be beneficial, at least in the sense that it has a pretty decent camera on it. It even has a black and white setting, which makes pretty much any picture look good. So maybe I'll actually start taking lots of pictures for once. I'll be the next Annie Leibovitz in no time...ha!

It feels good to blog again. I hope we can keep this up, I think it's healthy. And it's a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy. For now, I think I'm gonna leave it at this and go watch Sin City again. I just need to say one more thing: fuck the fucking fuckers.

I feel better....ish. Hope the job nonsense is going okay for you. And thank you.

without my meredith

goddamn it actually sucks here. i mean, it's better than living in the aftermath of a tsunami, or in the asshole of a giant vole, or in iowa, but it still sucks more than it should suck. a lot of it is that i just want to get fucking started on the next part of my thing here, you know? did this part, didn't like most of it, want to move forward. get on. raleigh, hyaa, me, nyaa. fuck you guys ... i'm going home. which is the other big part. i can't see my meredith, like, ever. and that sucks on any planet. miss you. can't wait to be like "whatchu doin'" and you be like "nuttin'" and i be like "scool, let's do sumpin'" and you be like "aiight.". then we actually could. that will be neat. anyway, i said i'd blog, now i have to go back to work. but i love you.

they mostly come out at night...mostly

I guess this is sort of my post-Christmas update. I suppose that means I should fill you in on Christmas events. Well, as I was driving to Greensboro after I got off work on Xmas Eve, my mom told me that they had to put our cat Pandora to sleep that morning. We had her for 12 years. Apparently she had some sort of thyroid problem, and eventually she couldn't really breathe anymore. So that was sad, but I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer now. And I've still got Ralph, although he still doesn't live with me.

Anyway, then I got to briefly hang out with Emily M., and we got appropriately drunk for the occasion. Hence my Xmas morning hangover. Although strangely, even though my parents knew I went to the bar, and they knew I didn't feel good, they never put two and two together to equal drunk. But I digress. The visit with my grandma and great aunt in VA wasn't nearly as unpleasant as usual. In fact, it was almost enjoyable...nobody complained about their aches or impending deaths, and we actually carried on a conversation that didn't involve much bitchiness.

I also saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with my parents. It truly deserves all the hype it's gotten. Brad Pitt, you son of a bitch, you've done it again.

Alright, enough about Xmas shit. Let's talk about hiking. I have been focused hardcorestyle on my Appalachian Trail goal as of late. I can't remember if I told you this already, but I decided to do about two weeks on the Mountains-to-Sea Trail this summer, probably from Asheville to Gboro so I'd have someone to drive me back here when I was done hiking. I think I just talked my friend Adam into doing that with me, so now I'm super excited. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to do it alone. Two weeks should be a pretty good practice run for the AT, at least in these preliminary stages of planning. I think my ultimate goal is to thru-hike from Georgia to Maine before I turn 26. That gives me three years to graduate and get my shit together and do it. I don't think I've ever been more serious about anything in my life; I'm not even sure why, but I feel like this is something I have to do. And I know it's going to be the hardest fucking thing I ever do, but it will be so worth it.

Well, I'm tired and smelly from a hike I did earlier today, so I'm going to stop writing and go shower. I don't think I'll have trouble falling asleep tonight. I hope you don't either, my friend. Feel better.

if i were i life coach, i'd be horse drawn

not that most horses can draw very well.  it's a hooves thing.  thanks for the thoughts, and yes, you're right.  i try to think as positive as possible and about relationships as little as i can.  but i still have a fucked up attitude and am just about as lonely as i've been in a decade or two.  but that's all just bullshit.  my life is actually great.  i have lots of great friends (like you), and a great future in making art and music (with people like you).  so it's all good.