without my meredith

goddamn it actually sucks here. i mean, it's better than living in the aftermath of a tsunami, or in the asshole of a giant vole, or in iowa, but it still sucks more than it should suck. a lot of it is that i just want to get fucking started on the next part of my thing here, you know? did this part, didn't like most of it, want to move forward. get on. raleigh, hyaa, me, nyaa. fuck you guys ... i'm going home. which is the other big part. i can't see my meredith, like, ever. and that sucks on any planet. miss you. can't wait to be like "whatchu doin'" and you be like "nuttin'" and i be like "scool, let's do sumpin'" and you be like "aiight.". then we actually could. that will be neat. anyway, i said i'd blog, now i have to go back to work. but i love you.

they mostly come out at night...mostly

I guess this is sort of my post-Christmas update. I suppose that means I should fill you in on Christmas events. Well, as I was driving to Greensboro after I got off work on Xmas Eve, my mom told me that they had to put our cat Pandora to sleep that morning. We had her for 12 years. Apparently she had some sort of thyroid problem, and eventually she couldn't really breathe anymore. So that was sad, but I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer now. And I've still got Ralph, although he still doesn't live with me.

Anyway, then I got to briefly hang out with Emily M., and we got appropriately drunk for the occasion. Hence my Xmas morning hangover. Although strangely, even though my parents knew I went to the bar, and they knew I didn't feel good, they never put two and two together to equal drunk. But I digress. The visit with my grandma and great aunt in VA wasn't nearly as unpleasant as usual. In fact, it was almost enjoyable...nobody complained about their aches or impending deaths, and we actually carried on a conversation that didn't involve much bitchiness.

I also saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with my parents. It truly deserves all the hype it's gotten. Brad Pitt, you son of a bitch, you've done it again.

Alright, enough about Xmas shit. Let's talk about hiking. I have been focused hardcorestyle on my Appalachian Trail goal as of late. I can't remember if I told you this already, but I decided to do about two weeks on the Mountains-to-Sea Trail this summer, probably from Asheville to Gboro so I'd have someone to drive me back here when I was done hiking. I think I just talked my friend Adam into doing that with me, so now I'm super excited. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to do it alone. Two weeks should be a pretty good practice run for the AT, at least in these preliminary stages of planning. I think my ultimate goal is to thru-hike from Georgia to Maine before I turn 26. That gives me three years to graduate and get my shit together and do it. I don't think I've ever been more serious about anything in my life; I'm not even sure why, but I feel like this is something I have to do. And I know it's going to be the hardest fucking thing I ever do, but it will be so worth it.

Well, I'm tired and smelly from a hike I did earlier today, so I'm going to stop writing and go shower. I don't think I'll have trouble falling asleep tonight. I hope you don't either, my friend. Feel better.

if i were i life coach, i'd be horse drawn

not that most horses can draw very well.  it's a hooves thing.  thanks for the thoughts, and yes, you're right.  i try to think as positive as possible and about relationships as little as i can.  but i still have a fucked up attitude and am just about as lonely as i've been in a decade or two.  but that's all just bullshit.  my life is actually great.  i have lots of great friends (like you), and a great future in making art and music (with people like you).  so it's all good.

the time has come, the walrus said...

Shit, I'm sorry about your horrible night and your horrible day at work. I suggest homicide rather than suicide, you'd get no satisfaction from suicide. Or at least not if we're right about the afterlife. But seriously, can I help in any way?

I also had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. And I think at some point while I was laying there, I thought to myself, "You know, you really should change your attitude. I bet you'd be a lot happier if you'd just stop dwelling on how miserable you are. And maybe stop thinking about relationships so much." Somehow it made me feel better momentarily...until this morning, when I woke up pissed because I had to work and I was still alone and sad. Oh well. At least I didn't have to listen to such stupidity while I was attempting to sleep....that sucks big time. I suggest ear plugs for that particular problem.

I think that's all the suggestions I have for today. This is why I'm not a life coach, I'd be horrible at it.

Love.

today, so far

12:00 am glad i went to bed early. can lay here and listen to roommate argue on phone with boyfriend about meaningless, child things

1:00 am well, i don't have to work in the morning (day off - yippie!), so i should start working on that new story idea

2:00 am roommate arguing with play boyfriend on phone. still. remember to kill them

3:00 am okay, okay, fine - to bed

3:45 am shit, can't sleep

4:30 am still can't sleep

*?* sleeping

7:30 am meagin calls. had a bad night, needs me to work for her. say shit. then say okay

10:00 am working

12:20 pm adding to blog, contemplating suicide. or homicide. or both

unfortunately, you took the good stories with you

i'm afraid that this town and 99% of it's inhabitants are as lame and boring as they've always been, except that most of my favorite exceptions have moved on to higher ground, leaving only a hideous, destiute wasteland of mindless idiocy, drooling masses of ignorant filth, many with cars and expensive clothing. very few rays of light left, love. dark and cold here, like a pile of near-dead fish during a blackout at night. some of which still have knives and have reached the level of delirium. hence the pinching. have i mentioned that i'm fuckin' sick of this place? i'll tell you a story. one day, i woke up and i wasn't here anymore. and i know that the smouldering crater i left behind was a better place now. oh yes. a better place. i have to run, i think a fish is poking me.

don't give away apples to apples!

I've been really wanting to play that game lately. Such an excellent invention. As long as you keep the ninjas away from it, that is. They really are some destructive bastards sometimes. How's the captivity going? True to your belief, I have not yet made a pie. But I fully intend to at some point before you're released, seriously.

Holy shit, I can't believe I only have one more exam tomorrow and then I'm on a month-long hiatus from school. Hooray! I wish I could somehow manage to get a hiatus from work at the same time and then I'd try to stow myself away on a plane going someplace warm, sunny, and tropical. Where all the drinks have umbrellas. But on second thought, I don't want those girlie drinks. Maybe I'll stow away at a brewery instead. Delicious.

So tell me some stories. Anything interesting going on in the 919 area? I retract the question. I'm being too optimistic about Raleigh's entertainment value. I guess I'm just going on the hope that in terms of odds, SOMETHING has to happen EVENTUALLY. But maybe not...